The Rime of the Ancient Marinated

EDINBURGH. You have been perched on my consciousness for six months; an alternately beautiful and terrifying albatross. The financially harrowing admin process of writing, performing in and producing my own show has been significantly aided by the generosity of fabulous friends who weighed in on the Kickstarter and the quite frankly stellar team at Assembly. The show is in as good shape as I could ever have asked for thanks to the support of Roshan Conn, Lisa Millar, Esh Alladi and the long suffering Tom. We've loved previewing the beast in London; huge thanks to Joe Cullen for bringing us into the Brick Lane Theatre Festival, Lucy Farrett and her many Ladyfaces for basically doing all the graft for our night at 2 Northdown and to Emma Blackman at Theatre Deli for giving us a fantastic send off on our last night in London. Now we're actually bloody here and it's time to see if all the planning, swearing, heavily GIF based social media-ing,boozing, crying, laughing (repeat ad nauseam) was worth it...


Do come and see for yourself! We're in the Baillie Room at Assembly Hall, 7pm 3rd-27th August (excluding 14th and 24th). I'll be the one in the wig. 

Kickstarter Pt. II: The Virus Takes Manhattan

Oh you utterly sublime bitches! We've hit the target and then some! 

I could - and probably will - kiss you all. 

For everyone that has already contributed - thank you. Thank you from the bottom of the empty pedal bin I call an abdomen. Thank you. 

For everyone that hasn't donated yet, the foul maw of The Great Money Pit we call Edinburgh Festival gapes still. Every little bit really does help, so please do continue to throw a few morsels into the financial Sarlacc. 

Much like a significant part of the male anatomy - no matter how small the contribution, if the thought is there, it really is appreciated.



Who's with me?

Up high!

H xxx


Hello you brilliant bitches!

As you may or may not be aware, we are taking the show to Edinburgh! It's super exciting and humbling and financially ruinous. 

There really are many other ways that you could spend your money and I feel like a prize twat for asking. People have been incredibly generous so far and we are now only about £500 off the target - thank you SO MUCH!

If you can spare any money at all in these difficult times I will be eternally grateful. THANK YOU!

H xxx

PS Have a look at my Instagram feed on the Look At Me! section of the site to see the videos some of my favourite bitches have unleashed on the poor, unsuspecting doners to the campaign. 

Welcome to my website.


Welcome to my website. 

Look! I did a website!

They all said I couldn't do it. But I showed them. I showed them all!

I mean, technically they were on the money; Tom did the website. And even that's not particularly impressive. He used SquareSpace and that's basically just point and click.*

I hope you enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed telling Tom to make it. It contains all the information you'll need to come and enjoy my current show - Seven Crazy Bitches, which I'm very proud of.

If you have any questions, you can always get in touch, using the easy Contact bit. Otherwise, for booking and press inquiries, please contact the lovely Holly and Bernie at Paper Rose PR (  

The Merch bit is also empty currently, but there will be some on its way. Pinky swear. 

Anywho, thanks for coming to visit and hopefully see you at the next show!

Much love,

Holz xx

* Tom has now informed me, it is not, in fact, "point and click", because that is a series of adventure games popularised in the nineties, along with the rise of personal computers, or, as I like to call them, "P.Cs".** 

** Tom is a nerd.